random funny convos, least i think theyre funny

me helen nancy diana going bond street tomorrow for dinner

 diana:  whats the risotto thing they have there..i cant remember but it was really good
 me:  soba nomi risotto u dingleberry
i commented on ur wall
 diana:  ahah oh yea
but u listed like 20 things hahahha
 me:  soba nomi risotto listed in there u ding
 me:  im gonna order it and im not sharing
 diana:  UR A DING
 me:  im eating it as my entree
 diana:  NO
 me:  fine
 diana:  i thought we share
 me:  we have to order 2 then
 diana:  cmon
be a good sharer
 me:  no way im f-cking sharing with 4 ppl
 diana:  lol fatty
 me:  unless we were ALL homeless then MAYBE
 diana:  HHHAHA yea then im sur ewed be eating at bond st
 me:  listen, let me make up my own hypotheticals aiite? u just keep ur bites of the risotto small

my bro knows me better than my own mama - friend was over on weekday when my bro called me at 1am and asked me if i was alone in a very strict scary voice so i auto-responded of course im alone. this is our convo the next morning

 Eugene:  whatevs you liar...so bad!
 me:  lol u r too funny
"u dont think i know my own sister!"
u could tell by my laugh that i wasnt alone????
man ur so sick
 Eugene:  you make it pretty obvious
first, i called and you didnt answer with "MY SON!"
 me:  lolol
 Eugene:  and second, you didnt do anything weird
 me:  hahahahahahahahahaha
 Eugene:  when i talk to you, in 5 minutes
you say at least 10 weird things
 me:  LOL jeez
y am i so weird
 Eugene:  and then your laugh was just wack
 me:  wat do u mean wack it sounded fake?
 Eugene:  it wasn't all loud like it usually is
 me:  wtf

so i call my bro "my son". why? cuz my dad always says it. the way he says it is funny. MY SON! he shouts it with pride and thick fobby accent.  i love eugene like the brother that he is but i also am very protective of him so sometimes i even treat him or yell at him like he is a son.

so my mom calls me yesterday to tell me eugene got home from the airport ok and that he was eating dwenjang jji gae. anytime eugene is home and im not, she will always call me when they are eating dinner and rub it in what they are eating. she does this to make me try and come home more often, or faster if i already have plans to come home. she says "rine now eugene is eating dwen jang jji gae, sooooooo good!!! with lotta yummy banchan"

to which i responded "sorry not gonna work this time, while we are speaking i am eating sushi, shrimp tempura, salad with awesome dressing, im not jealous of eugene or ur food"..."aish, gi ji bae"

then she told me to say a brief hi to eugene and put him on the phone.

eug: hello?
me: MY SON!!!!!!
eug: hahahahaha. ok im eating cant talk
me: i know stupid, omma jus put me on to say hi, i dont wanna talk to u
eug: ok bye.
me: bye.

we hang up. my mom asked my bro what was so funny and he told her i called him my son!...not even 30 seconds after i hang up, my mom sends me a text message:
Hay! sorry eugene is my son not your son

CRACKED me up. how fcking funny. i was DYING in laughter so hard that i called her up to tell her that she was mad cute and mad funny.

mom: are u cold at night when u sleep?
me: uhhh not that bad but sometimes
mom: do u want a heating blanket?
me: hell yeah
mom: ok thats ur christmas present
me: WHAT?!?!? a heating blanket is only like 50 bucks ur so cheap
mom: no, the one im gonna get u is like 100
me: OOOOH 100. what happened to earrings, cheapie.
mom: haha ok ok u got me.
me: just kidding its ok, cuz everytime now when i go to sleep and turn the heating blanket on, ill be nice and warm becuz of u
mom: wow nuhmoo sweet but nuhmoo gay

convo with dad

me: member when you had that suspenders tan?
dad: no, what do you mean?
me: you wear suspenders so freaking much, especially when you golf outside, that the sun blazes through your shirt but not through the suspenders, and when you came home and took your shirt off cuz you were so sweaty, you had a Y tan on your back, from the suspenders
dad: hahaha oh yeah, i love suspenders. that should show you how much i love them, so you should buy me some
me: why do you like them so much? dont you have a lot?
dad: i do, but i wear them so often that they are all falling apart and shredding
me: ok fine, ill buy u some more suspenders but why do u like them so much?
dad: becuz they keep my pants up
me: why would ur pants be falling down?
dad: becuz my belly protrudes and it pushes the pants down.
me: gross
dad: not gross, im your daddy, you cannot be say daddy gross.

bro's away message: SOMEONE STOLE MY STAPLER

 me:  SHUT UP MILTON
 Sent at 2:19 PM on Wednesday
 Eugene:  ?
 me:  UR AWAY MSG
UR STAPLER
u werent quoting milton??
 Eugene:  no
someone really stole my stapler
 me:  lol wat theeeee

so im going to peru in a week from aug 30 - sept 7 for 5 day hike to machu picchu.

im freaked out about central america and south america cuz i dont wanna get bit by a bot fly or have a bot fly lay eggs in my skin.

check out www.youtube.com and just put in the word botfly and see why id be freaked out.

anyway, so my bro was in brazil about a month ago for a week. he came back and this is what he told me:

"my foot got real puffy so i thought a bug might have laid eggs in my foot. i told dad and he told me to jsut wait it out, maybe the swelling woudl go down, but it didnt. so i sanitized a nail clipper and cut my skin and all this yellow stuff came out. it was liquidy but it wasnt liquid or pus. it was distinct tiny separated balls about the size of grains of sand. they were bug eggs. i kept squeezing until all the yellow eggs came out and then finally blood started to come out. then i soaked my foot in alcohol for like 10 minutes"

GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now im going to peru and im freaked out this is gonna happen to me. so im gonna stock up on MAAAAAAAD ace bandages and have my feet constantly wrapped in them. i might need to buy bigger hiking shoes so my wrapped up feet fit in.  im also gonna constantly rub horangiyak (tiger balm) on my skin to prevent bugs from biting me. tiger balm is the sh-t. bugs must hate it, all that menthol and camphor.